Monday, March 29, 2010

A Little Spiral of Pain

Okay, so I'm a little stressed out. I know I'm stressed. I can feel my face twisting into a little spiral of pain which looks more like worry or anger to those who see it. The soft, lightly etched skin around my left eye twitches, flinches really. Yesterday a muscle on the right side of my nose tensed repeatedly against my will. I'm gritting my teeth and the muscles involved are tired. My temples beat with tension. I left my glasses at home today and maybe it's a good thing because they have been weighing heavily on the veins in my nose, light as they are. My shoulders are hiked up as high as they'll go. I might as well be tensing for a physical blow.
We're on our way to New York to visit my husband's parents. When I tell people we're going to New York for spring break, I can see they imagine a fun-filled week of Broadway plays, museums, walks through Central Park. But that's not what it's like. It's seven days in a dark overheated apartment, trying to shield those I love (my husband, my son) from the psychological gnawing they'll suffer at the hands of my in-laws. It's not emotional abuse, not quite, but my husband will never please them, give them enough of himself, get the praise he works so hard for. It's never going to happen.
I have to practice detachment. I have done it before and I will do it again. My capacity for stress is pretty high, maybe too high, and I have worked hard to try to spread it out, not take on too much, but my capacity is not infinite and I don't want to find out what my breaking point is.

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